When you live within Fear, you acknowledge the Fear, and go towards it, saying ‘Yes, I am afraid, let’s see what happens anyway.’ Living within Fear is like living within a home. Your home protects you, but you still go outside, sometimes far away. Your Fear protects you too, in fact that’s its real job, and you can go beyond the Fear, as well.

If you like this thought, come visit the SocialCaterpillar store.

Comfort not Conquering 

We don’t really conquer fear, if we were to be entirely fearless, we’d probably be dead pretty quickly too. Fear has it’s uses, it’s when it dominates our choices that it becomes a problem. And you don’t break through fear anymore than you break through a wall by rushing at it headlong. You’re smarter than that, you look for a door.

Fear has doors. No really, I swear, think about it. Most big fears can be broken down into smaller bits. If I were to find a way to take the stage tomorrow, there’s an incredibly good chance that my knees would knock, I’d forget my name, and quietly back out the hall, turning and running for all I was worth.

And Behind Door Number Two

Of course, instead of throwing myself against that wall, I’ve been looking for a door. I’m taking an improv class, to improve my ability to think on my feet. I keep planing go to Toastmasters to gradually get speaking practice in. I can host webinars and classes, increasing group size with each new class. Each time I’m going through a Fear door, going outside, knowing that I can go back home.

Once you’ve gone through a Fear door you can start to build a new room there, one with it’s own door, stretching the boundaries of your Fear, changing your relationship with Fear. Life is rarely an all or nothing game. You get where you’re going in stages and, in fact, you get to choose the steps.

What are you working towards, what’s your next step?

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

Off the Horsie

Things I didn’t do, that I had totally meant to:

• Go to school
• Do some of my math homework
• Go to the farmers market
• Go to improv class
• Write a couple of posts
• Cook *anything at all*

There was probably more but those are the biggies. I hold myself to a pretty high standard when it comes to school, or most things really, but now I’m talking about school. I expect to work hard and get As; I can, so I do. Only, last week, I couldn’t take notes. I couldn’t ride on the bus or sit in one of those desks.

Preparing to Remount

I have options for taking care of myself and tools that I use, but they take time, and the ivory tower waits for no man, or so I’m told. Then there was improv, which I wanted to go to, but just because I want to do something, doesn’t mean it’s not stressful. As much as I get out of being there and doing all the exercises that we do, it’s emotionally draining. I wasn’t even close to being filled up enough to go.

Everything else on the list-of-things-skipped were workable in one way or another. The homework I skipped was worth 2% of my grade, but it would have taken a total of five hours of my time. While I was cranky about missing the fresh local strawberries at the market, we *do* have a grocery store here. You’ve probably learned by now that I write when I write, and it would happen eventually, like now for instance. And let’s not forget the lovely restaurants downstairs who fed me and how thankful I am that I have that option.

Foot in the Stirrup

But, missing my classes, both academic and personal, that was hard. Not only was I not happy about missing the material and the practice, but it felt like I had jumped my track. Going back felt… weird. Off. Like the judging me that I was doing was actually going on in other people’s heads too. Even though I *know* that’s not true. I’m just not as important to everyone else as I am to myself. Thankfully.

Of course, if I gave in to the weirdness about going back, then I’d be bailing completely, both on the class and on myself. And what, I’m going to stop this early in the game, both for school and preparing for public speaking? Right. So, I figured out what was most important and that was continuing along the path I had set for myself.

And Back in the Pretty Pink Saddle Again

So, those days, the first times going back, that’s all I scheduled for those days, because having that space meant I was that much more likely to follow through. Planning is good, following through is better. Yes, we stumble and yes, we sometimes veer off course. All that means is that it’s time for a redirect, a course correction. And possibly a pot of tea.

I said this recently in the comments on a post somewhere on the interwebs and it bears repeating here: We’re going to fall on our collective asses, repeatedly. And it doesn’t matter one bit. What matters is what happens next. Do we get up and keep going, try again, find a new tactic, or do we stay laying on the ground whinging at the sky? (And, remember, even if you do stay whinging for a while, you can still get up, whenever you want.)

When you do get off course, what is your favorite course correction? And tea, I could use come new recommendations.

Have you been thinking about adding a few comfort zone stretching challenges to your life? Get those plus resources and other fun nuggets of info in your inbox every other week, sign up for Inching Along today.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

Recently I’ve been wearing dresses more often and jeans and tees less. I’ve been putting effort into styling my hair and finding attractive shoes. I haven’t suddenly developed a rare strain of viral vanity; I want to give talks. I want to stand up in front of crowds and be at ease while commanding their attention. Part of it is, of course, knowing my material, but part of it is getting used to being looked at.

Stretch and Twirl, and Stretch

I’m pushing at this particular emotional boundary from a half dozen directions, including practicing awareness of people being aware of me. I’ve been gathering dresses and skirts to replace my jeans. And in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been wearing them on a regular basis.

When you walk through the farmers market in jeans and a tee, no one takes note. When you wear a red halter dress, heads literally turn. A pretty dress says “Look at me” and people do. It’s unnerving at first, but then comes a choice. You can pretend you don’t see, or you can smile and say hello. Admittedly, some days it’s a coin toss as to which I choose.

Presence, it’s a Gift

It’s not about being pretty, it’s about being present. It’s about saying “I am worth noticing”. And there’s nothing easy about it. At least, not for me, not yet. But, the practice is worth the stress, because I’d rather be slightly uncomfortable now and rock being on stage later. Because, the thing is, I am worth noticing. I am worth paying attention to, and that’s what I want to radiate from the stage.

If you like this thought, come visit the SocialCaterpillar store.

And, yes some people are douches. Some people shout, what I think are meant to be appreciative comments, though I can’t tell for sure. It all sounds like “Heyschnuffleschnufflehoney!” when they’re in a car and I’m on the sidewalk. God love ‘em, they don’t know any better. If they did they’d enunciate. Or pull over… Come to think of it, I think I’m glad they don’t know any better.

And yes, some people scowl, but their pain is not something I can fix by blending in. And, yes, I do get overwhelmed, and go home and put on pjs and drink copious quantities of hot tea. Because I can walk away whenever I choose.

But, for now, I choose to make an effort to be seen and be comfortable with it. Because each little stretch makes me a little more flexible, both in body and in spirit.

Have you been hiding or making yourself noticeable recently?

Looking to stretch your comfort zone in tiny ways and pick up some resource recommendations? Sign up for Inching Along, and every other week I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

I’m pretty sure this was an HSP reaction, and not related to the shyness or introversion. We started out with a bunch of games to get us to loosen up. When I type that out, it sounds like a form of torture, while it actually worked well, I promise.

Have you ever taken ice skating lessons? In my first ice skating class, the first thing they did after herding a dozen gangly wobbly children to the middle of the rink was tell us to fall over. Right…… A couple of kids did it, but the rest of us just stared back. We wanted to learn how to skate, we already knew how to fall over. Of course, they wanted to teach us how how to get up, but first, you have to fall over. Repeatedly.

And… Release

A big part of improv is letting go of the preparation, the mental planning that we do all the time. You know how all the relationship experts tell you to really listen and then come up with your response rather than what we naturally do, which is listen to the first bit and then pretend to listen while we start creating our own rebuttal? It’s the same instinct. Our brains want to protect us, they want to keep us from being vulnerable.

The thing is, we’re rarely vulnerable in dangerous ways now. Getting laughed at won’t kill me, so far as I know. And let’s be honest, making myself vulnerable is a big part of what I do. I want you to see me take risks, and sometimes, I want you to see me fall on my ass. Because, as unnerving as it is, I’m always able to get back up, and so are you.

Plaaaaaay Ball!

So, we went through several games designed to make us mentally flail around and get back up. Repeatedly. Toss a ball… ask a dull party question, catch the ball… answer another dull party question. The group’s gotten good at it? Cool, add another ball. Five balls and a hat later, and brain splody was approaching. We also threw noises and skittered around the room trying to find a perfect spot between two other class members who were trying to find a perfect spot between two other class members who were trying to find a perfect spot between two other class members who were trying to find… Right.

It’s impossible to stay completely focused and straight faced under circumstances like those, which was, of course, the point. The more we did these games, the more guarded I became, as my HSP reactions got stronger and stronger.

I you like this thought, take a peek at theSocial Caterpillar Store

The last one before break involved, one person moves around the circle asking a question and the people on the other side of the circle dart around trying to change places without getting caught. If the questioner sees an opening they can dart in and whoever’s stuck in the circle starts asking the question. I stayed perfectly still. There was no way I could have darted anywhere at that point. I was actually wondering if I could finish the class.Then we took a break and I sent the tweet above and something in my brain shifted. I don’t know what happened, but in that fifteen minutes between sessions, I was okay again. It was still unnerving, but we were all in it together. We were all vulnerable.

#Fail

Next came the Failure Bow. It’s exactly what it sounds like, you screw up, you shout “I fail!”, you take a bow. I’m still trying to find phrasing I like better, as I prefer positive wording whenever possible. But here’s the thing, you took the risk and you got the applause, and you keep going. So, love.

We moved on to very short story telling and vignettes, which dropped the overstimulation factor as well. It wasn’t any less unnerving, but easier to practice awareness about, without the added dimension of… activity.

For me, taking improv is about making myself vulnerable, learning to become more comfortable with being in front of an audience, and letting go of planning when I need to be listening.

Do you intentionally make yourself vulnerable? How?

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

You see, as much as I think you are amazing and precious and inspiring, you really only deserve one thing, we all do. You don’t deserve what you want. You don’t even deserve to go after what you want. You deserve the *opportunity* to go after what ever you want.

A Learning Curve

If you like this thought, take a peek at the Social Caterpillar store

Because even though it’s worth it, going after what you want is often complicated and difficult, if it wasn’t, you’d probably already have it. And sometimes for whatever reason you have to choose between opportunities. And, on occasion, even though you deserve it, the opportunity has passed or never existed.

People who have a positive outlook find more opportunities than those who have a negative or neutral outlook. And the  good news: you can learn to have a positive outlook.

• When something crappy happens, look for any good sides, even if it’s just that whatever happened wasn’t worse.
• Watch what you say. The more you say things like “it’s just my luck”, “this always happens to me”, and “people suck”, the more you reinforce those beliefs.
• Remember that each event is individual, just because you got splashed by a mud puddle, doesn’t mean that the rest of the day is ruined.
• Look for the grey, you are not perfect, no one else is either. And the converse is true, you’re not all bad and neither is anyone else.
• Try laughing when things go wrong. Being irritated doesn’t make whatever it is any better, but laughing at the absurdity can lessen your stress.
• Take a look at the company you keep. Are your friends positive people?

The Tiniest of Baby Steps

And you can just start with noticing, you don’t have to change anything right now. Or ever if you don’t want to, but if you don’t want to make some changes, this may not be the blog for you.

Fair warning: making these changes will change how you see life and the people around you. I love my life and see so many options and opportunities around me. But, earlier this year, I had to leave a party because every time I asked someone how they were doing, they answers were all the same: “Surviving”. While it’s certainly better than the alternative, just surviving is so far below my line of sight, I really didn’t know how to respond. I still don’t. I want more and I want to be around people who want more.

So tell me, what opportunity are you looking for right now?

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired
• Triggered

As in, if you are in any of these states, your behavior is more likely to be… unlike what you would prefer.

Not for Me

Truth is, I really don’t like HALTT. It’s negative, coming from a place of lack. Keeping an eye out for a deficit does not keep my tanks full, it just keeps them from drying out. And so, I’ve converted HALTT to RISSC, as in, looking at my readiness to take a risk. Which for me, makes tons more sense anyway. It works like this, am I:

• Rested
• Interested
• Sated
• Supported
• Content

Because, when my tanks are full, I’m in a much better position to take on the scary. When I have a strong foundation, I can handle it if something goes wrong. When I feel emotionally and physically nourished I am more likely to know when to stop and how much further I want to go.

If you like this thought, take a peek at the Social Caterpillar store

The Emotional Symphony

Each part works in concert with another to create what is, in effect, the symphony of that moment. When you’re highly nourished at each level, they combine to form the perfect background for supporting your next choice. And when one is out of harmony, then it can throw the others out of harmony too.

If I’m tired, I’m more likely to make bad choices regarding food. If I haven’t eaten properly, I’m more likely to be distracted and misinterpret what other people say. Those conditions combine to create a place where I have no business making myself vulnerable because I’ll end up defensive on top of everything else.

I’m still learning to see what I need to have in order to set myself up for success when trying something new. I know I’m better off when rested, showered, fed and watered. It helps significantly when my home is clean and organized, too. I like to know as much as possible about what will happen next, whatever “next” happens to mean in that context.

What are your necessary conditions for taking risks?

Have you been thinking about adding a few comfort zone stretching challenges to your life? Get those plus resources and other fun nuggets of info in your inbox every other week, sign up for Inching Along today.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

+Kathryn Hunter

I’m at my best when I find my harmony point. Where I can take into account all the other things going on in my day-week-life and realize what events will make me feel good versus those that will make me feel exhausted. Because, they may be the same events, just a difference in the surrounding details.

If you like this thought, take a peek at the Social Caterpillar store

I’m My Own Rainbow

And then, there’s the way I am when we first meet, the way I am when I’m in a crowd, the way I am when I’ve know you a while and it’s just us… All different, often *quite* different. I have a friend whose husband thought I didn’t like him because the first two times I met him were large group settings and it was all I could to to remember who everyone was, including myself.

I have another friend who recently told a mutual friend that he thought my quiet side was a front. Heh. That’s cute. I mean, I can see why he would think that. When we first met, I barely said a word. Now he can hardly get me to shut up and he’s seen all the ‘outgoing’ stuff I’ve done over the past couple of years. It could easily look like an effortless transformation if you weren’t in my head and so far, I’m still the only one in here.

But really it’s all me. Just me at different times, in different situations, under different circumstances. We all do it. You don’t act the same way in front of your grandmother as you do with friends you’ve had since Jr. High, do you? Please, say the answer is no. Or that your granny likes to smoke with you behind the garage.

Juuuuuust Right… Now

Different isn’t necessarily wrong. It’s that my variables are different that other people’s. Or even my own, depending on what else I’ve got going on. I can feel like grabbing supper with friends one Friday and not want to leave the house the whole following weekend, just because of a difference in all of the other stuff I had going on each week. And that’s great, because it’s what works for me, as long as I see it and make allowances for my limitations wherever they happen to land at that point.

What about you? Do feel like you should always be the same or have you found your rhythm of differences?

Looking to stretch your comfort zone in tiny ways and pick up some resource recommendations? Sign up for Inching Along, and every other week I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

When I turned 33 I started this blog (Happy Blogiversary!) and made a whole slew of changes and took on loads of lovely fun challenges. When I turned 34 I watched the sun rise from the top of a float in Carnival in Rio de Janeiro. And since then… meh, it feels like I’ve fallen into a rut.

So, I’ve written down 36 things I want to do or try over the next year:

1. Host a Get Together
2. Drive a Manual Transmission
3. Learn to Tell a Story
4. Fire Poi Spinning
5. Toast Masters
6. Singing Lessons
7. Improv
8. Aerial Arts
9. Ballroom Dance
10. Dance Club
11. C25K
12. Give Speech/Talk
13. Submit Writing
14. Go up in a Hot Air Balloon
15. Snow Board
16. Learn how to make drinks
17. Paddle Board
18. Have a full High Tea at The Russian Tea Room
19. Krav Maga
20. Capoeira
21. Tandem Hang Gliding
22. Learn to Sail
23. Go Rock Climbing
24. Rafting
25. Range Shooting
26. Parkour
27. Take a Real Vacation
28. Have a Spa Day
29. Attend Awesomeness Fest
30. Take a Cello Lesson
31. Evasive Driving
32. Dive
33. Shoot Pool
34. Glass Blowing
35. Conflict Resolution
36. Visit Canada

Most of these deserve a bit of explanation, but rather than go through each one now, I’ll give the necessary background in the posts related to each event. Some may be combined, like taking a real vacation, I can see at least ten other options that would work well with that one.

A majority of what’s on this list is stuff that I’ve thought about trying over the years and just never got around to. Well, you only live once and all that, plus, I’m feeling a bit stifled and I just signed another lease, so I need a way to keep having adventures without taking off again.

And I totally reserve the right to change any of these as I see fit. I mean, I am a grown up after all.

I’m curious, what have you been thinking about doing, but just haven’t gotten to, for whatever reason?

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

I may have something you don’t, though. Blog archives.

When I do something that I’m proud of having accomplished, especially related to being shy/HSP/introverted, I usually write about it and post it here, with the hope that you will read it and get something out of it. Preferably inspiration, but whatever.

You’ve Done Eeeeeeeeeeet!

Once you’ve accomplished something, unless it’s HUGE, it doesn’t stick in the forefront of your mind. It slips further and further back until it’s almost not there. And this can be a great motivator, this wanting to move on to the next great thing of yours, but when your’e feeling low, it’s a problem.

I’ve got an easy way to look back and see what I’ve done, which is good, because when I was writing that post, I didn’t remember everything. I had completely forgotten that I rode a horse after refusing for 20-odd years. I forgot about contract negotiation and the taxi driver too. annoying git

Anyway, if I can forget these things after having done them and then written about them, I can only imagine what non-blogcentric folks manage to forget, especially in a time of the I-can’ts.

Twofer

Truthfully this is a two birds, one stone kind of deal. When you write about something, you create a story, one you can tell when you’re first getting to know people (or later) and it’s already there for you to draw upon. Second, you’ve got a record for when you get hit by the I-can’ts.

• Obviously, you can journal, in a notebook or on your computer, or
• You can write notes on FB, or
• You can start a blog, public or private, or
• You can write on 750words.com, or
• You can email yourself, using the subject line to create a smart folder for organizing, or…

You are awesome, I am sure of it. You’ve also done more than you can think of right now. I’m sure of that too. Keep track of your stories. They tell us who you are, but they tell you who you are too. Usually when you need it most.

How do you remember what you’ve accomplished?

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

I know right now it feels like you can’t… Like you don’t have the whatever-it-takes to do what you need to do next. But you do. I know you do. Remember when:

you went to that first conference and didn’t know a soul? You met people, got irritated and started this blog.

you walked up to perfect strangers in a grocery store parking lot and asked them what they were doing and that’s how you saw just how beautiful moonlight and pollution can really be?

you drove from Dallas to New York City and back, alone?

you sold all your stuff and got a one way ticket to Chihuahua, only knowing that you intended to head farther south?

you got back on a horse after twenty-some years?

you got your PADI open water certification even though you were fairly well convinced you were going to quit breathing and die?

you climbed a volcano and rode a toboggan back down?

you created a program to help people become a bit more social in ways that work for them? Then you put it out there for them to accept or reject?

you zip lined across a river canyon hundreds of feet above ground? oddly enough, didn’t write about that one, maybe some day

you asked people to share their stories of being shy and introverted so that we can hear that it’s not just us, whenever we want?

you rode atop a float in Carnaval in Rio despite a stupid number of (or number of stupid, it could go either way) obstacles?

you told people no and had them rewrite contracts?

you went back to school to get your PhD, knowing full well that it will take another ten years, give or take a year? this one actually starts in a week or so

you created a membership community where shy/introverted/highly sensitive people have a space to share and learn about themselves and each other? You put you tiny sweet idea out there because we needed that space.

you learned how to hula hoop and navigate the city bus system?

you stood your ground with a taxi driver who seemed to think he could take advantage of you?

you hosted a Twitter Party and even had fun?

You did all of those things and at the time, they felt scary and your brain was screaming at you that it wasn’t safe. You did them anyway, because you knew it was safe enough and what you wanted was more important than the screaming.

What you want is still more important that the brain-screaming. And you can do this too. Whatever it is. What’s your first tiny step? Start there.

Love,
Me

Dear People Who Aren’t Me,

That quite a list up there isn’t it? Enough to make you feel a bit funny about your own list, maybe? Here’s the thing, I made a commitment to myself to try things that scared me. I took my risks. You’ve got yours and you’ve had your successes too. They are certainly different, but no less powerful.

We’d love to hear your successes, if you’ll share a few with us. If not, go ahead and write Future You a letter, maybe one like this or different altogether, either way, I’m sure Future You will appreciate it. *hugs*

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)