Last week was full of hard. Primarily, my shoulder seemed to be in the process of seceding from my body which caused pain and stress and exhaustion. I ditched out on pretty much everything that didn’t directly result in being able to pay my rent and even that I went easy on. (Don’t worry, bills are paid, all is well)
Off the Horsie
Things I didn’t do, that I had totally meant to:
- Go to school
- Do some of my math homework
- Go to the farmers market
- Go to improv class
- Write a couple of posts
- Cook *anything at all*
There was probably more but those are the biggies. I hold myself to a pretty high standard when it comes to school, or most things really, but now I’m talking about school. I expect to work hard and get As; I can, so I do. Only, last week, I couldn’t take notes. I couldn’t ride on the bus or sit in one of those desks.
Preparing to Remount
I have options for taking care of myself and tools that I use, but they take time, and the ivory tower waits for no man, or so I’m told. Then there was improv, which I wanted to go to, but just because I want to do something, doesn’t mean it’s not stressful. As much as I get out of being there and doing all the exercises that we do, it’s emotionally draining. I wasn’t even close to being filled up enough to go.
Everything else on the list-of-things-skipped were workable in one way or another. The homework I skipped was worth 2% of my grade, but it would have taken a total of five hours of my time. While I was cranky about missing the fresh local strawberries at the market, we *do* have a grocery store here. You’ve probably learned by now that I write when I write, and it would happen eventually, like now for instance. And let’s not forget the lovely restaurants downstairs who fed me and how thankful I am that I have that option.
Foot in the Stirrup
But, missing my classes, both academic and personal, that was hard. Not only was I not happy about missing the material and the practice, but it felt like I had jumped my track. Going back felt… weird. Off. Like the judging me that I was doing was actually going on in other people’s heads too. Even though I *know* that’s not true. I’m just not as important to everyone else as I am to myself. Thankfully.
Of course, if I gave in to the weirdness about going back, then I’d be bailing completely, both on the class and on myself. And what, I’m going to stop this early in the game, both for school and preparing for public speaking? Right. So, I figured out what was most important and that was continuing along the path I had set for myself.
And Back in the Pretty Pink Saddle Again
So, those days, the first times going back, that’s all I scheduled for those days, because having that space meant I was that much more likely to follow through. Planning is good, following through is better. Yes, we stumble and yes, we sometimes veer off course. All that means is that it’s time for a redirect, a course correction. And possibly a pot of tea.
I said this recently in the comments on a post somewhere on the interwebs and it bears repeating here: We’re going to fall on our collective asses, repeatedly. And it doesn’t matter one bit. What matters is what happens next. Do we get up and keep going, try again, find a new tactic, or do we stay laying on the ground whinging at the sky? (And, remember, even if you do stay whinging for a while, you can still get up, whenever you want.)
When you do get off course, what is your favorite course correction? And tea, I could use come new recommendations.
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In the comments:
We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)
Tags: anxiety, Awareness, choice, comfort zone, fear, overwhelmed, perceptions
