Certain thoughts have been buzzing my randomly over the last few months. Where I get to see bits and pieces of how I think of myself and what I look like and where it all fits together. It started with the bikini, the revelations that is. Then, when I was first back in Dallas, I bought a dress, one where the hem is above the knee.
Because I wore knee braces pretty much every day since some time in 2004, I never wore skirts that were shorter than mid calf. And I never wore shorts. My braces disrupted the look of the outfit, managing to both embarrass and irritate me. Sometime when I was in Mexico, my knees just got too hot with the braces and I stopped wearing them unless I had my full pack on. And my knees didn’t suffer.
Don’t look at me
Back to the dress: I went to a coffee shop in Austin when I first went down to look for a place. When I walked in wearing jeans and a tee, no one gave me a second look. The next day, I wore the dress and heels and suddenly people were paying attention.
The other day I was walking down a main street and some guy leaned out his window, turned around and hollered “You got it girl!”. My first thought was about whether or not I wanted to wear shorts and a jog bra while doing Couch to 5K (I was headed to the walking path by the river, at the time). Well… Okay, my first thought was “Child, go back to mopping the floor at McDonald’s”, but my second thought was about my clothes and my body and people looking at me.
On my walk home my thoughts turned towards my glasses, they’re dark chunky plastic frames. They’re attractive, but they make me look more serious than my face looks on it’s own.
Where do these bricks keep coming from?
I used to wear cute dresses until I got married and then again just after I got divorced but before my knees started giving me problems. This is the long way of me saying that I’m wondering if I’ve gotten into presenting myself the way that I do so that people won’t notice me. I think I’ve been using my appearance to put another wall between me and the rest of the world.
So, now what? I need to get my eyes checked anyway, so this time I’ll get contacts again. I’m rebuilding my wardrobe now that not everything has to fit into my pack. In addition to my usual criteria, is it a natural material, can it go from dryer to closet without stopping by an iron, or at least be dry cleaned; I’m adding a question: do I feel attractive in this? Not sexy, not hot, just attractive. When I wear this, am I attracting the notice of other people, in a positive way?
Do you hide behind your clothes? I’d love to know how, why, and if you plan to do anything about it.